Bream Gives Me Hiccups: And Other Stories
Format: PDF / Kindle (mobi) / ePub
From Academy Award-nominated Jesse Eisenberg comes a collection of hilarious stories that tackle the modern world from multiple yet equally absurd and poignant points of view.
The series of stories that gives the book its unusual title are written from the point of view of a nine-year-old boy whose mother brings him to expensive Los Angeles restaurants so that she can bill her ex-husband for the meals. One story in the "Bream Gives Me Hiccups" series begins: "Last night, Mom and I went to Thanksgiving dinner at a Vegan family's house, which is kind of like going to Temple for Christmas. Mom said that Vegans are 'people that don't eat any meat or cheese or shave.'" Another series of stories are letters written by a university student to her high school counselor as she grows gradually more unhinged. Other stories imagine discussions in ancient Pompeii just before the volcanic eruption, explore the vagaries of post-gender-normative dating in New York City, and conjure up Alexander Graham Bell's first five phone calls: "Have you heard anything from Mabel? I've been calling her all day, she doesn't pick up! Yes, of course I dialed the right number--2!" Plus there is an email exchange between a boy and his girlfriend taken over by his sister who is obsessed with the Bosnian genocide, an ex-husband reviewing his wife's book online, and Marxist-Socialist jokes, including: "What do you get when you cross a Marxist with a Socialist? Two people who generally feel that the value of a commodity is equal to its socially necessary labor time." In different ways, the stories explore what it means to navigate the modern world, and are all illuminated by Eisenberg's ironic wit and fantastically funny and original voice.
Now that Dad doesn’t eat with us anymore, maybe I should pretend to take the bill from Mom and say a lie like, “Oh, really? Okay, thanks, Mom,” but I don’t because lies are for adults who are sad in their lives. The mean woman took the bill back without saying thank you. I guess she is not sad. But she is definitely angry. I understand why the people who work here are so angry. I guess it’s like working at a gas station, but instead of cars, they have to fill up people. And people eat slowly
the coast, fall in love with a Babylonian woman, and then stone her to death when she menstruates. PRISONER 2: That does sound nice. But I think I prefer to serve out my time here and live a relaxing life in Pompeii. Maybe teach Latin to at-risk youth. You know, give back a little. PRISONER 1: Well, it was nice knowing you, brother. PRISONER 2: See ya on the outside. WIFE: Can you please sit still? HUSBAND: I am. WIFE: No, you keep sneaking little looks into your telescope. HUSBAND: I’m
asked The Slutnick if she wanted to do something outside the dorm room, like something social. So Slutnick says, “Sure, what did you have in mind?” And I say, “Anything you want.” And I thought she would suggest something normal, like getting a cup of coffee or going to Chipotle. But the SN says, “My sorority is holding a fundraiser tonight to raise money for Huntington’s disease. Why don’t you come with me and help out?” And before I could say no to the Single Worst Invitation I’ve Ever
The Country’s Best Yogurt. I know you’re not supposed to brag and it’s wrong to say that you have the best yogurt in the country, but Mom always says if you want something hard enough, you can get it. And since TCBY wants to have the best yogurt so much that they made it their name, maybe they do have the best yogurt. Mom also let me take a friend and I chose Matt, who now likes to be called Matthew. Mom always calls Matthew my “little friend,” which seems strange because Matthew’s taller than
“Unfortunately, I’m going to have to give you an incomplete.” “Why?” Then he said, “Because you didn’t do the assignment, Harper.” Then he started saying some bullshit about how, even though I don’t support FGM, I was asked to “use anthropological arguments to make a theoretical case for it.” But I started to get really pissed off. Because I knew what this was about. This was about him not liking me. It’s why he didn’t call on me in class. It’s why he never made eye contact with me. It’s why