Raising the Perfect Child Through Guilt and Manipulation
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Popular actress and stand-up comedienne Elizabeth Beckwith gives us the parenting guide to end all parenting guides: Raising the Perfect Child through Guilt and Manipulation. A frequent guest on The Late, Late Show and one of seven comics featured in the Time magazine article, “Funny: The Next Generation,” Beckwith now puts forth a hilarious new parenting philosophy that would shock Dr. Spock and traumatize T. Berry Brazelton. Raising the Perfect Child through Guilt and Manipulation is a riotously irreverent take on contemporary child rearing.
claiming he has lost a puppy, your kids will immediately think to themselves, “This guy is full of shit” and run for the hills. * * * Shame: It Really Works The other day I was talking on the phone with my cousin Bethany. We were talking about my book, and she told me a great story about her thirteen-year-old daughter, Katie. Bethany’s kids know that they have to call and check in with her when they are out with their friends, and let her know if they are changing locations or if they
probably lives in a Dumpster somewhere. I mean, look at him, when’s the last time you think he showered?” What does your child take away from this? I don’t want to live in a Dumpster. I will never do Quaaludes. I love my mommy. I realize Quaaludes haven’t really been a threat to our nation’s children since, like, 1978, but it’s a funnier word than heroin. Plus, it was a real reference that my mother used with me as a child, so I have a soft spot for it. I’ll never forget it. We were looking for a
S.O.B., one time he left his wallet in the hotel room after he had just been with a hooker. When he came back to get it, the four hundred dollars was still there. The wallet hadn’t even been touched. As opposed to his genitals, which had been touched repeatedly.” Once you have the kids under your spell, you can weave in the moral of the story. At first glance, the moral of this example seems to be, “If you don’t want a hooker to steal your money, act like you might murder them.” But that is
begin to invade your spouse’s psyche until he begins to think your ideas are his own. Always remember, you and your mate are the captains of your team. Even before you have children, you are building your foundation—hopefully, whenever possible, through hilarious hijinks. If you are engaged, you are encouraged to attend a retreat along the lines of Engaged Encounter. This will help you come to a deeper understanding of who you are as a team, and will no doubt lead to a lifetime of memories and
sleep, and then, on Sunday, I’ll thank the Lord for you letting me sleep!” “I wish my sweet grandmother were alive to take me to daily mass! When I’m dead, you’ll wish you had cooperated with your grandmother!” Though she had taken to riding me about every little thing now that I wasn’t eating as much, Gram was still an amazing hostess. Every day was filled with adventure. Of course, she took me to all of the important tourist attractions: the Empire State Building, the World Trade Center, the