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I've experienced a whole lot the last few years and I have a lot to share. So I hope that you'll take a moment to sit back, relax and enjoy the words I've put together for you in this book. I think you'll find I've left no stone unturned, no door unopened, no window unbroken, no rug unvacuumed, no ivories untickled. What I'm saying is, let us begin, shall we?
spent in juvie. My early days as a pioneer of disco. My involvement with the Milli Vanilli lip-synching scandal of 1990. My recently discovered half-sister. The leaked sex tape. CoverGirl Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Beauty is only skin deep. Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart. Throughout my entire life, I have believed in these sentiments. I’ve believed that true beauty is not related to what color your hair is or what color your eyes are. True
of Yarn Today. My point is, be nice and be on time. Please. Thank you. Sauna One of the best things you can do for your mind and body is sweat. That’s why I usually wear undergarments made out of thick memory foam. It’s also why I’m in a sauna right now. It’s going to help me relax, rid my body of toxins, and clear my mind. Out with the old and in with the new! It’s very hot in here. I know I’m supposed to be sweating, but I don’t know if I’m supposed to be sweating this much. There
your baby is hungry you will need to feed it some hay. Maybe that only applies to cows. But one thing we know for sure is that you should never sneak up on your baby, and when you’re feeding it, you should always hold your hand flat. Now I’m thinking of a horse. You know what, we mostly know about animals. We’re not gonna change our minds. My Bucket List Buy more buckets. Travel to distant lands to learn more about different people, cultures, societies. Watch more Discovery Channel.
right now.” So here are some suggestions for things you can do when you get bored. Clean my house. Look at your pets. If you look at them long enough, you can almost figure out what they’re thinking. Usually it’s “Why has she been looking at me for so long? She must be really bored.” Cut up fruit. Sext. Make a smoothie. Volunteer. Volunteer opinions to strangers. Hitchhike. Photograph geese. Put on a blazer and pretend to be a docent at your local museum. Ellen’s Guide to Gift
found out my sitcom got canceled, I happened to be riding one of those toy horses outside the supermarket—and I pushed forward. I said, “You’ll show them, Ellen!” And I did another sitcom. Guess what happened? That got canceled, too. Not the point, either. The real point is that I kept going and now I appreciate my success more than I could have ever imagined. I look back on the days of doing stand-up in a basement for three friends—well, one friend and two mice. Okay, three mice. And I am so