The Funny Thing Is...
Format: PDF / Kindle (mobi) / ePub
An indispensable reference for anyone who knows how to read—or wants to fool people into thinking they do—The Funny Thing Is... is sure to make you laugh.
Ellen DeGeneres published her first book of comic essays, the #1 bestselling My Point...And I Do Have One, way back in 1996. Not one to rest on her laurels, the witty star of stage and screen has since dedicated her life to writing a hilarious new book. That book is this book.
After years of painstaking, round-the-clock research, surviving on a mere twenty minutes of sleep a night, and collaborating with lexicographers, plumbers, and mathematicians, DeGeneres has crafted a work that is both easy to use and very funny. Along with her trademark ramblings, The Funny Thing Is... contains hundreds of succinct insights into her psyche and offers innovative features including:
-More than 50,000 simple, short words arranged in sentences that form paragraphs.
-Thousands of observations on everyday life -- from terrible fashion trends to how to handle seating arrangements for a Sunday brunch with Paula Abdul, Diane Sawyer, and Eminem.
-All twenty-six letters of the alphabet.
have no need to be insecure. That nagging feeling is absolutely right on target. You are not that smart. But I have more good news for you. You are also not alone! Let’s face it: We’re al stupid. Each and every one of us. Oh sure, some people went to col ege and got degrees—big whoop! I could have done that. I stayed in school plenty long. As long as the law said I had to. You see, scientists have proven that we only use 10% of our brain. And that’s on a good day. 10%! Let that figure rol
the point that you’re serious enough to make that kind of a commitment. Sure, you can live together for a little while to figure it out, see if you are compatible … I’m just picturing the apartment you’d have, you and the goat. Photographs al over the place— you and the goat on the beach running, holding hands. You and the goat being serenaded by mariachis at a restaurant. You and the goat in front of the Eiffel Tower eating crepes and tin cans. You and the goat making faces in a strip from the
anything to do for a year as I wait to start my new talk show. People have suggested that I simply enjoy the time off—I’l be wishing for this next year. People (different people—not the same ones) have also suggested I read books. The fact is, I’d rather write a book than read a book. It’s like reading, only you get paid for it. Otherwise, it has al the same elements. I don’t know what’s on the next page. It’s suspenseful, yet I can control where it goes. It’s like interactive reading. Besides,
stil read al those books. I would be real smart, and I’d be less stressed because I wouldn’t have al that pressure about what to wear. Without the stress, I’d probably look better too. Although who cares how you look? You’re in prison—you’re in the slammer—the joint—the big house—the clink—the cement Hilton—the lockup—the cooler—the jewelry box—the crate and barrel—the corked jug—the honey pot. In prison, you have nothing to do al day. I suppose you do have to make your bed. But it’s a cot. How
awkward position of having to introduce two people whose names you’ve forgotten. (And don’t get al smart with me and try to say that you know the other person’s name—you don’t.) I mean, you can always just say, “Scooter, this is Itchy. Itchy, Scooter.” But chances are that isn’t going to work. The best solution: Say to her, “I’m sorry, remind me again how you pronounce your name?” To which she’l respond, “Kathy.” Then you continue your clever ruse by saying, “That’s right, the emphasis is on the