The Last Testament: A Memoir by God
Format: PDF / Kindle (mobi) / ePub
Over the course of his long and distinguished career, God has literally seen it all. And not just seen. In fact, the multi-talented deity has played a pivotal role in many major events, including the Creation of the universe, the entirety of world history, the life of every human being who has ever lived, and the successful transitioning of American Idol into the post-Simon Cowell era.
Now, as the earth he has godded so magnificently draws to a Mayan-induced close, God breaks his 1,400-year literary silence with his final masterpiece, The Last Testament.
As dictated to his mortal amanuensis, 11-time Emmy Award-winning comedy writer David Javerbaum, God looks back with unprecedented candor on his time in the public sector. He takes us behind the scenes of Genesis, setting the record (un)straight on the real first couple, Adam and Steve, and challenging long-held notions about the viability of containing a phylogenetically complete double bestiary within a 450,000-cubic-cubit watercraft.
For the first time, he breaks his silence on Jesus Christ, shedding light on a father-son relationship as heartwarming as Will and Jaden Smith's. And he reveals his true feelings about his third great faith, Islam, WHICH ARE NOTHING BUT POSITIVE AND RESPECTFUL.
But The Last Testament doesn't just look back. It also offers God's perspectives on the perennial quagmires of love, marriage, and smiting. And he takes an 27.99 unfiltered look at contemporary society, addressing such hot-button topics as:
- Why he loves America
- What he listens for in a good prayer
- Which sports teams he really roots for
- Which celebrities are totally gay
Sometimes preachy, sometimes holier-than-thou, but always lively, The Last Testament is a tale of courage, adversity, and triumph. It's the ultimate celebrity autobiography, sure to appeal to not only hardcore God fans and "worshipers", but to anyone who's ever had total omnipotence. If you place complete faith in the literal truth of one book written by God, make it The Last Testament.
Israel’s peace treaty with, 333 sun, 6, 7 SuperNanny (TV show), 307 Super Tuesday, 335 Supreme Court, U.S., 138, 217 music volume adjudicated by, 334 suras, 241 Survivor (TV show), 396 Switzerland, avalanche in, 331 Tabitha, 175 Tablets of Destiny, 28 Taj Mahal, Trump’s plans for, 336 Talmud, 99 tantric orgasms, 320 Tanzania, 335, 337 Tea Party: funny clothes of, 136 pancake requests of, 335 tectonic plates, 52 telegraph, as mockery of God, 291 Ten Commandments, 83–84
but I am in no way homophobic. 24 Gay, straight, bisexual, transgendered; ye are all equally smiteable in my eyes. CHAPTER 15 1Which brings me to Sodom; where it is true that the custom of male homosexuality was prevalent. 2 (Even then the word “sodomy” was used to refer to it, though not as a noun but an adjective; as when two men would draw unusually close in a tent, and an onlooker would say, “Is it just me, or is it getting sodomy in here?”) 3 But that is not why I punished
Solomon, the two most accomplished men of ancient times; kings, warriors, musicians, poets, psalmodists, lovers; their peers called them Renaissance men, which back then made them extremely ahead of their time. 2 David first rose to prominence as a harpist: he was a child prodigy whose father Jesse made him practice eight hours a day until his fingers bled; Jesse himself having once been a promising young harpist, until his career ended in a freak scything mishap. 3 In this way David came
time travel, or anything out of the ordinary. 23 Those ops all happen in Area 63. 24 And finally, Stonehenge. 25 I have no idea what the hell Stonehenge is. CHAPTER 4 1But I can shed light on a few questions I am guessing none of you thought ever would—or could—be answered. 2 For example: which came first, the chicken or the egg? 3 Neither. The rooster came first. 4 Where does the time go? 5 Nowhere; it is thou who art moving through it. 6 What is the sound of one
hit sea-bottom. 3 I got to heaven late that night, around 11:30 Heavenly Daylight Time. 4 I had spent the last four days in one of my other universes; I had tried for six hours to get a routine phressel to glax counter-clockwise, but it would not even yoip; 5 At which point I went on a transgalactic binge of other-destruction that made that entire cosmos look like Keith Moon’s hotel room; that is, had Keith Moon yet been alive, and if a cluster of galaxies can be equated to a bedside