The Onion Presents Chronicles Of The Area Man
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Take a look back at the Onion's coverage of this generation's most prominent newsmaker -- the Area Man. The Onion is already universally known for providing the best and most ground-breaking coverage of national and international events, but local reporting has always been at the core of America's Finest News Source. In this incisive and timeless collection, Chronicles Of The Area Man includes such stirring reports as "Area Man Has Far Greater Knowledge Of Marvel Universe Than Own Family Tree," "Area Woman To Get By On Looks For Six More Years," "Area Grandparents Still Have No Idea What Grandson Does For A Living," and the classic story of perseverance, "Area Man Makes It Through Day." With this collection of the Onion's best local coverage, you'll see there's a little bit of the Area Man inside us all.
intrasquad game, between my sophomore and junior year, and on the very first play from scrimmage I tore my ACL," Resnick told the toy manufacturer. "And that pretty much ended that." "I still remember those practices," said Resnick, unfolding a glossy Kwik-Kool brochure. "Coach Meijer would put us through hell, pardon my French. The first week of training camp, we'd run 10 miles in full pads every morning and then cool down with something easy, like, oh, 25 windsprints. And even us guys who
business, as in sports, you need more than great starters–you also need a solid bench." Area Man Hasn't Told Co-Workers About His Billy Joel Fanpage Yet DAYTON, OH–Ross Hudek, a 36-year-old claims processor at Northcentral Insurance in Dayton, still hasn't told co-workers about "Zanzibar," his three-month-old Billy Joel fanpage. Northcentral Insurance claims processor and Billy Joel fan Ross Hudek. "I really haven't brought it up to the gang at work," Hudek said of the site, which
Haltigan lives is easy for her to preserve, primarily due to the nonverbal affirmations she receives daily, a form of tacit approval that fosters her illusory faith in the permanence of her esteemed status in the eyes of others. "I'm sure in the back of her mind, on some subconscious level, she must know that time is ticking away," said noted psychotherapist Dr. Eli Wasserbaum. "But, for the most part, the many perks that come with being beautiful block out any real awareness she might have. One
got that certain 'presence' necessary to be a big success in the advertising game." According to experts, shortly after turning 29, Haltigan will begin her descent into shrewish bitterness, suffering a string of humiliating failed relationships, unemployment and, ultimately, a free-fall into neurotic self-loathing and cocaine addiction sometime around 2007. But despite the looming threat of her inevitable loss of beauty and influence, Haltigan remains nonchalant about the future. "I don't
also sort of, I don't know, maybe it's just one of those things. And you don't want to force it, right? I feel like you just have to accept it sometimes, I guess." "It is what it is," she added. Regardless of the thing that's, oh, whatever, it'll pass eventually, Slota maintained that she's forging ahead and taking things one day at a time. Dr. Andrei Robinson, author of the book It's, Well, I'm Not Sure How To Describe It, Really, says that Slota's condition is not uncommon. "As a therapist,