The Onion Presents: Love, Sex, and Other Natural Disasters: Relationship Reporting from America's Finest News Source
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Here are more than one hundred news stories of high-school sweethearts, college hook-ups, dating disasters, weddings, divorces, and restraining orders. From “18-Year-Old Miraculously Finds Soulmate in Hometown” to “Couple Forgets 70th Wedding Anniversary,” these reports capture the heartbreak and hilarity of the human experience.
30 joint outing went largely unnoticed, public opinion toward the couple dramatically shifted after it was revealed that DeSimone spooned frozen yogurt into Petrun’s mouth during their second date three days later. By the second week of June, their approval rating dropped below 40 percent in most national polls, after Petrun and DeSimone were spotted wedging their hands into each other’s back pockets as they walked through an Oak Park neighborhood. By July, the rating plummeted even further
even know.” Compounding Lessing’s misery was the “vomit-worthy” purple and teal dress that she and the other bridesmaids were forced to purchase and wear. “This abomination cost me $675,” said Lessing, who has no plans ever to wear the dress again. “I’d be pissed even if it didn’t make me look like a walrus.” Other friends had their own reasons for not having a good time. These ranged from jealousy over not being included in the wedding party to unspoken resentment over all the attention
just have to build up the courage to start seeing other people,” David continued. Though things between the couple remain strained, David and Beth both said they look forward to moving past the unpleasant experience as soon as the other dies. NEWS IN BRIEF Attractive Woman, Wealthy Man Somehow Making It Work GREENWICH, CT—Despite their disparate backgrounds, lack of mutual interests, and seemingly insurmountable gap in age, former Miss Kentucky finalist Amber Williams, 26, and
I say? I’m not. They’re totally going to kiss.” Not everyone was as enthusiastic about the pair’s announcement. A 28-year-old female bar patron rolled her eyes at the girls’ predictable antics, and was immediately dismissed by Fletcher and Keneally as “jealous.” The bartender reported that she’d seen similar scenes play out on countless other evenings. “You mean the one that flashed her tits last week is gonna make out with the girl who was telling everyone she wasn’t wearing any underwear?”
Dorman asked while setting out newly washed glasses. “Whatever.” As of press time, the pair had still not kissed, as they were rumored to be waiting for someone to buy them another drink before astonishing onlookers with their shocking intra-gender lip-lock. NEWS IN BRIEF Girlfriend Loves Spending ‘Alone Time’ With You SAGINAW, MI—According to your girlfriend, your request for some “alone time” this afternoon sounds fantastic, and she’d love nothing more than to do that with you. “We could