What to Expect When You're Expected: A Fetus's Guide to the First Three Trimesters

What to Expect When You're Expected: A Fetus's Guide to the First Three Trimesters

David Javerbaum

Language: English

Pages: 228

ISBN: 0385526474

Format: PDF / Kindle (mobi) / ePub

What to Expect When You're Expected: A Fetus's Guide to the First Three Trimesters

David Javerbaum

Language: English

Pages: 228

ISBN: 0385526474

Format: PDF / Kindle (mobi) / ePub


This new second edition is filled with the latest, most accurate wombhood information, including comforting answers to hundreds of questions, such as

• “My mother just took a sip of white wine. Am I going to end up looking like some Chernobyl baby now?”
• “So far Mommy is spending most of her pregnancy in a state of stress, anxiety, and depression. Which one should she focus on?”
• “I’m kicking as hard as I can, but Mom says it feels like ‘butterflies fluttering.’ Am I doing something wrong?”
• “Why do my parents blast Mozart at me every night right when I’m trying to sleep?!?”
• “To the nearest hundred, how many people should Mommy invite to my birth?”

Timmy Failure: Mistakes Were Made (Timmy Failure, Book 1)

Spell or High Water (Magic 2.0, Book 2)

Sourcery (Discworld, Book 5) (UK Edition)

Curb Your Enthusiasm : The Book

The World of Poo (Discworld, Book 39.5)

10 1/2 Things No Commencement Speaker Has Ever Said

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

thumb by God on Day 6. Organ: Liver A.k.a.: Al Coholic; Sir Osis; Tony Absorbsalotofbooze Description: Pinkish brown, football-sized, choppable Functions: Performs five hundred different jobs, from glycogenesis to protein metabolism to Web design Tidbit: Controversially, many of those jobs are now being performed by illegal Mexican immigrant livers. Organ: Kidneys A.k.a.: Billy the Kidneys Description: Reddish brown, shaped like bean and/or small backyard swimming pool Function: Filters

sometimes on the doorstep if they paid extra. This was how it was done. Do you understand this? This was how it was done. Then, around ′64 or ′65, people started fuckin’. At the time, I didn’t think much of it. Seemed like another fad—Nehru jackets, civil rights, one of those things. But no. By the summer of ′67 all these young kids, these sweet little cherubs I’d so carefully delivered to their grateful parents just twenty years before … all they were doing was fuckin’. Now, I got no problem

Too Much Information Age, where God forbid a child should not know every excruciating detail about where babies come from or how they are fed or why they gush shit every hour like uncapped fire hydrants. In other words, a book like this is now needed to help you get through the disillusionment caused by reading it. As for me, I barely deliver babies anymore. A few in the South sometimes, the Bible Belt, but cities? Christ. I haven’t flown business to New York since 1975. —Thomas Harold Edward

criminal prosecution of your mom, which would be a real shame, since she’s clearly pretty cool, what with her giving you booze and all. More to the point, alcohol has devastating effects on your growing body. Overwhelming scientific evidence suggests that the children of mothers who drink are born incoherent, near-sighted, and incontinent. They tend to show poor judgment and will be drawn to any nipple they see, a phenomenon known as “beer ga-ga-ing.” Particularly at risk are so-called Jack

Snickers bar, or by simply staring at the wrapper of a Triple Whopper® with cheese. If Mommy Loves You … … she’ll replace her favorite snack foods with these low-fat alternatives. Instead of … She’ll have … Potato chips Soy Crisps Pretzels Soybeans Soy sauce Soy soy Oysters Soysters Donuts Don’tnuts Chicken (fried) Chicken (powdered) Pint of ice cream 28 quarts of frozen yogurt Birthday cake Veterans’ Day Triscuit Chocolate brioche Chocolat with Juliette Binoche French fries French

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